


A Few Minutes

by ibyh



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, One Shot, unedited, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 05:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17318699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibyh/pseuds/ibyh
Summary: Hyunjin has spare time to think, and remembers what got him here.(A oneshot I didn't edit or finish. Oops.)





	A Few Minutes

Hyunjin didn’t exactly mean for things to turn out the way they did. He just wanted to look nice for comebacks, for fans. He’s the visual of the group, which, as far as he knows, means his job is to look pretty first and showcase any genuine skill he may have later, apparently. He loves his group, the fans, creating music and performing, but some aspects of this industry simply… get to him. Or, got to him, past tense. Hyunjin glanced at the clock on the wall, then turned back to the bare white wall he was zoning out into. He still has some time to think back, contemplate. Just for a few minutes.  
The survival show seemed to cut Hyunjin to the bone, rearrange him and put him back together, shiny and new for debut. Conditioned, like a circus animal, or perhaps a windup toy. He learned as much as he could during this period, how to smile through everything, understand how his career constantly seems to hang by threads, how look pretty for the camera, and how to hunger. Oh, how he hungers. He searches up fancams, on occasion, looking for flaws, room for improvement. Starving for advancement. Physically, too, the hunger washes over him in a massive wave, through a fast during an off day or simply burning hundreds more calories than he eats during weeks of practice. He chokes in it, drowns in it, the void of hunger managing to find a way to fill him to the brim, like being so heavy with helium he could float away. And float away he does, his brain screaming from malnutrition alongside his aching bones, his light, hollow, bird bones. The members don’t notice any major changes; well, they probably do, but avert their eyes, don’t confront; he’s still dancing, rapping, his bubbly self on livestreams, giggling along with other members, attempting to keep his eyes as bright as the others.  
Hyunjin quickly sees results, frequently praised online for his looks, his long, slender legs, his form. He wasn’t sure if it motivated him further to improve or simply felt forced to him- oh, fans just say that, empty encouragement out of simple obligation. Lightheadedness was the norm, fansites pointing out his “cute” habits of zoning out during fansigns, or his hair looking different (apparently, as he researched, malnutrition can mess with hair in ways beyond his understanding) his fellow members getting gradually more concerned the less they actually saw him eat. Hyunjin simply cutting up the food, pushing it around, but it never meeting his lips. He hated the feeling of emptiness. He loved the feeling of emptiness. He decided he needed it, whether he enjoyed it or not.  
Hyunjin realized he may have a problem when the puking started. He always held it in the back of his mind- a way out if needed, don’t do it too much, you need your voice, your teeth, but always avoided it. In the end, starting that habit was his downfall, he supposes. Being caught by your fellow members leaning over the toilet with two fingers down your throat was never the best way to start team-bonding-movie-night.  
After that was the team meetings, with members and managers, with tears and confessions and wishing things didn’t spiral down like this. Not being allowed to be by himself, crying around the dinner table together, his members, a second family, scared to leave him alone. And now, here he is.  
Hyunjin hears a knock on the doorframe and glances away from the wall. It’s his nurse.  
“Mr. Hwang, it’s dinnertime.” Her eyes soften as they meet his. “Let’s try to avoid another meltdown like last night, okay?” Hyunjin stands with a sigh, stretching his now untrained muscles, slipping his feet into the slippers Jeongin brought him the last weekend he visited with Chan.  
“Okay. Dinnertime.”


End file.
